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  1. 07.16.2026
    (last edited: 07.29.2026)

    Last night, I ordered beef lo mein from Big Wong and wondered where we went wrong. It had been a long day. The 100-degree weather plus 70% humidity didn't help. I had made plans with a friend but she canceled on me the minute we were supposed to meet. Then I went to church and didn’t see you there. I Ubered home after because I didn’t have the willpower to walk all the way to Eastern. Took me twenty minutes to go two blocks. It was hot, I was tired, I had been crying, and my head was bursting with a million different arguments trying to convince me that you really did understand the decision I made. Memories of our phone calls, regret over things left unsaid, and this unshakable sense of worry about your unawareness of my love for you flooded my brain and competed for space. The driver noticed my hyperventilating and asked if I was okay. I laughed a little out of embarrassment. I cried some more after I got home and decided to order myself some real food.

    And I kept thinking. Where did I screw up? At what point was I supposed to stop talking to you? (Initially, I was resentful.) Should I have never picked up your phone calls? Should I have never responded to your texts? What would have been the wisest way to go about this whole mess? I didn’t have a clear answer to this question. I liked you. You liked her. I tried so hard to move on from you, but I couldn’t. So I thought maybe I would help you feel a little better about yourself via a friendly rebound. That you would ever like me back felt less than impossible. I had never once considered that possibility until very late in May. Even then, it wasn't a certainty. 

    Excuses. Looking back, I wish I had apologized more. This was my first and is now my biggest regret regarding the breakup. But at the moment, the feeling of loss was far too strong for me to feel anything else. I wasn’t as sorry as I should have been because I saw no fault in having liked you. Now I am, because I hurt you and wasted your time. I wasn't thinking, and I should have. Thinking would have led me to not act on my desires—my desire for you and my desire to give you what (I thought) you wanted, which are my attention, affection, and, ultimately, a rebound. I don't know if you really wanted them or not, but I know that's not what you needed. At the time, I didn't even think to consider your needs, only your wants and mostly mine. In my failure, or maybe refusal, to think, I did you wrong. I’m sorry. I hope you’ll forgive me.

    The goal of every apology is to mend a relationship, yet there is no relationship here to mend. This apology has nowhere to go. I think I keep wanting to apologize and regret not having done so out of this hope that maybe it's not really over. But I know that right now, it has to be, and I'm trying my best to accept that fact. 

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    09.06.2026

    My mistake was that I wanted you more than I wanted God. I was foolish, I was wrong, and my sin of failing to "seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually" led to my own demise. It not only hurt me but hurt you too. I am truly sorry. It didn't take me long to come to this realization, because it was so glaringly obvious in all the little essays I wrote about you during first six months of this year. I had conducted myself in a manner that suggested your omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience. You had become, to me, a god of sorts. Naturally, my desire for you grew and grew greater than my desire for God. It was wrong, whether or not I could have "helped it." Praise be to God for taking you away from me, because I would not have become aware of this sin otherwise. And I would have kept feeding my desire for you more and more while starving my desire for God. We would not have been happy. I hope and pray that God will grant us lasting pleasure in him, in reading his word, talking to him, and gathering with others who love him.